Happy Thanksgiving Eve, Charlie Brown!

It's Thanksgiving Eve, which in my group of friends means gathering around with a few adult beverages and sharing stories about what's happened since we last saw each other. This New Jersey tradition inspired a sketch for my comedy writing class at ImprovBoston last year that I'd like to share in the spirit of the season...

Happy Thanksgiving Eve, Charlie Brown!
By Christina Zagarino

SETTING: A bar on the night before Thanksgiving

Charlie Brown is sitting by himself at the bar.

CHARLIE BROWN
One more round!

LUCY
Wow…rough night, Charlie Brown?

CHARLIE BROWN
Another Thanksgiving Eve, and I’m all alone.

LUCY
Where’s the dog?

CHARLIE BROWN
Dead, Lucy! He’s been dead for ten years. You’ve always known how to cheer me up.

LUCY
(handing him a beer)
Well this one’s on me! I still accept cash tips, though.

CHARLIE BROWN
Swell. Just swell.

(Linus enters)

LINUS
Hi, Charlie Brown!

CHARLIE BROWN
(angrily) Hello.

LINUS
Turkey genocide gotcha down?

CHARLIE BROWN
What have you got to smile about? Didn’t you see my sister kissing that trash heap back there?

(a blonde girl and guy with scraggly hair turn to reveal Sally and Pig Pen making out. A spray of fog squirts out from under Pig Pen symbolizing his odor cloud)

LINUS
Sally and Pig Pen? Nah, I’m happy for them. The poor guy, I’m glad he’s found love!

LUCY
Does this mean you have found true love as well, Linus? True love as true as the love I share with my talented little gravy train?

(A very adult Shroeder begins playing a baby piano on a side of the bar)

LUCY
(screaming and blowing kisses)
That’s right, baby! I’m talking about YOU!

CHARLIE BROWN
Oh, brother.

LINUS
It just so happens, dear sister and sad friend, that I have found true love! Marcie is officially a free agent!

LUCY
(laughing uncontrollably)

CHARLIE BROWN
What?!

Peppermint Patty enters the bar furious

PEPPERMINT PATTY
You! Homewrecker!

LINUS
See ya! (Linus runs off)

PEPPERMINT PATTY
Keep running! (Peppermint Patty sits down at the bar in place of Linus)

LUCY
What can I get ya?

PEPPERMINT PATTY
A stiff one.

LUCY
Really?! (laughs uncontrollably) Okay. (Lucy goes to make Peppermint Patty’s drink)

PEPPERMINT PATTY
How ya doin’, Chuck?

CHARLIE BROWN
Not so good.

PEPPERMINT PATTY
I know how you feel. My lady’s run off with a hetero! I’m devastated, distraught. I just want punch something.

Charlie Brown moves over a seat at the bar.

PEPPERMINT PATTY
Not you, Chuck.

CHARLIE BROWN
I’ve heard that before. I gotta pee. I’ll be back.

Lucy returns with Peppermint Patty’s drink

PEPPERMINT PATTY
Wow, in all my years, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so down.

LUCY
(sarcastically) Ever? Really?

PEPPERMINT PATTY
Yeah! The poor guy! We have to do something to cheer him up.

LUCY
I’ve got it! (Lucy stands up on the bar) Hey, everyone! My friend Charlie Brown has Seasonal Affective Disorder, and the holidays are really bringing him down. I think I know just the thing to make him feel better. Bring it in!

The group forms a huddle and begins whispering. They all run out of the bar.

Charlie Brown returns to an empty bar. For a few moments he just stands there looking around.

CHARLIE BROWN
Leave it to me to fall asleep at the urinal and wake up after last call.

Charlie Brown sits down and begins to finish his beer. As he drinks, his friends quietly tiptoe around him hanging a banner and bringing in awkwardly large cornecopias filled with leaves and fruit. Shroeder places an awkwardly small and sad tree on top of his baby piano. Linus rolls in an extra large pumpkin. Charlie Brown is oblivious to all the action.

LUCY
(in a loud whisper)
1, 2, 3

THE GROUP
Happy Thanksgiving Eve, Charlie Brown!

CHARLIE BROWN
(nearly seizing at the surprise and shock) Holy shit!

LUCY
You don’t like it?

CHARLIE BROWN
I mean, I like it…I’m just…chest pain…

LUCY
We love you, Charlie Brown! (hands him a beer) This one’s on the house, for real.

CHARLIE BROWN
To the true meaning of Thanksgiving Eve: beer and friends! (Charlie Brown raises a glass)

THE GROUP
(raising their glasses) To beer and friends!

Shroeder begins to play his piano. People begin dancing. A puff of fog comes off of Pig Pen as he moves to dance. Charlie Brown and Lucy toast each other and drink

END SCENE

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